What women want, By Funke Egbemode

So, there have been protests from certain quarters since last week’s piece titled, “What exactly do men want from us?” How dare you make it look like men are difficult, insatiable, irritable and mean? How about what men want from women or at least those things you women really want, instead of being sarcastic?

I chuckled at that because men have been pretending that they don’t understand women since Adam willingly took the apple from Eve and voraciously devoured it. They will continue to pretend that they are confused, even if you give them one apple per minute. It’s their way and women have made their peace with all that. But me, I’m a good girl, even if I am saying so myself; that is why I am obediently throwing more light on what women want from their men. Did you just ask about men and their needs and wants? Ah ah, aren’t those what women are devoted to all their lives, as mothers, sisters, girlfriends, wives and side chicks?

We, poor devoted, faithful us. Aren’t we always looking out for our men from cradle to grave? Is the world not all about making men happy, poor or rich, young or old, boys or men?

Let’s start from when a mother births a son, isn’t the congratulation louder, the celebration more lavish, usually?

‘E ku ewu omo o. Okunrin abi obinrin?’ The Yoruba would ask. And when the answer is ‘okunrin ni o’ (that is, the baby is a boy), the congratulations climb up a few decibels. It is not unusual to hear the new father cockily topping all that in with ‘Ako l’ogidan bi’. That is, a lion will always birth a male. Don’t ask me if female lions drop from the sky. Let’s just move quickly on to how long it takes to breastfeed a baby boy. I mean traditionally. My people will tell a new mother to breastfeed a baby boy well well. And as if he, the baby boy could hear, he will also throw his fat little legs up, scratch his head and suck ferociously. Yes, with all his might. A job his wife or wives or women must continue forever. Am I making sense? All women know that duty of breastfeeding a baby boy is a lifetime job, stretching from the mother to girlfriends to wives and side chicks. May the Lord help women.

I remember what my grandmother (God rest her soul) told me when she came for ‘Omugwo’ all those years ago. My son was three months old and I’d wanted to start training him to sit up, propping him up between pillows. When my grandmother walked in us, she grabbed the boy from me, strapped him on her back like she was on a rescue mission, like I was about to strangle the boy, or something as dangerous. Don’t laugh yet. Then, Mama started a long lecture on how to secure the backbone of a baby boy, his future duties, and it was only baby girls that you should start propping to sit up at three months. Did you understand Maami’s lecture? A boy’s back is more important than a girl’s. A boy’s back will be called up for greater responsibilities in the future, not girls’. ‘Someone rescue me’, I muttered under my breath and Maami flogged me with her eyes, the way African Mothers only know how to do.

Pray, tell me how giving and getting sexual satisfaction make a boy’s back more important than a girl’s back or is it not a girl’s back that has to carry whole, fully-formed human beings around for months, go through the hard labour of giving births, in addition to giving and getting sexual satisfaction?

Whose back deserves more respect? I’ll leave the answer to you.

Back to what we want the men for. Apart from their strong muscular biceps, that is.

Why do men get all riled up when they notice other men are nice to their women? Don’t pull the trigger yet. This is a woman you treat like part of the decoy in your living room, right? The one whose dressing or cooking you don’t compliment, is now the one you want to frustrate just because you hear her laughing on the phone with somebody.

Okay, when last did you make her smile, least of all laugh out loud, heavily? When last did you actually sit with her, gossip or go down the memory lane with her. Do you even remember any of the games she liked, when you were dating; how she used to beat you silly at Ludo and Monopoly? For years now, your marriage has ‘entered depression,’ whereby she’s left to worry out her happiness and excitement. Now you are squeezing your face because she is laughing when she’s on the phone and talking excitedly with her look.

Lesson one: Women have to spend time alone with their men. We love to joke and laugh and talk about unserious matters with our men. After screaming and prancing with your guy watching AFCON or Premier League, create time to do something with her. Put the pillows in the pillow cases, while she’s fixing the bed spread. You will be shocked at what strength it will bring to your union. Being intimate with a woman goes beyond getting in-between her legs.

If you don’t make her laugh, don’t burst an artery when you see another man complimenting her.

Do you know some men don’t know their wives’ bra sizes. They have no idea what tight or body shape she likes. They stopped buying her panties, thongs or G-strings.

Lesson two: We want you to buy lingerie, even though we can buy them in trailer loads. The ones you buy us are the ones we treasure more.

A colleague who thought his wife was unserious and fatty came to work one Monday morning and all angry at that same wife who decided that weekend to enjoy her birthday with those who remembered. What she did? She knew her husband would forget her birthday, as usual, so she invited her friends over to dinner in a restaurant close to her office. My friend, her husband, was at home wondering where his wife was at 9 p.m. So he called and that was when he remembered, as he heard the music in the background. You know men and their ‘attack’. The best form of defence is that he accused her of seeing someone on the side or who sponsored the party?

Titi, his wife, told me she was tired of being miserable, not even on her birthday. He will neutralise it. He won’t buy a gift and some years come home after I’d slept off. Well, this year, I decided to do whatever makes me happy, celebrate myself.

Lesson three: Guys, we hate it when you forget our birthdays and wedding anniversaries. We want you to celebrate and pamper us on those days. Buy us gifts and be available. If you don’t, you lose the right to complain when we do something for ourselves.

A man noticed that suddenly his wife had changed her body cream and bought two new bottles of perfumes. She changed her hair-style and fixed semi-permanent eye lashes. She made new dresses and generally became more fashionable. Her husband started suspecting her movements, asking her probing questions.

Why did that man pay for your shopping?

Why did you change your hairstyle?

Where did you find money to buy Brazilian wig?

Since when did you start wearing girdle and body shapers?

Where did you find money to buy bottles of perfumes?

All these questions from a man who hasn’t made love to his wife for four months. All these queries from a man who just rented an apartment for his side chick. Oga, move back. There’s no time to check time. If you think it’s okay to check out your oil rig once in 100 days, just face front, let your wife be.

I’m not suggesting anything bad because even you know that there are likely to be consequences for leaving your farmland to be overgrown with weeds. Another man may see it as fallow and help till it.

So lesson four: Women love to be touched and done regularly. Till your land. Let other farmer see that you are busy on your land. A vacant farmland is likely to attract bidders.

I’ll let you know the time for the next class.



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